You Have To Start Somewhere . . .

Last Sunday night I dreamt that my Shadow-Self led me through the streets of an unknown city to a ramshackle structure on the edge of town. At the base of the structure was an opening that led into a crawlspace. My Shadow-Self encouraged me to lower myself into the dark below. I didn’t even hesitate. I never do. I climbed through the opening and lowered myself down. My feet didn’t reach the floor. I couldn’t see the floor below. It was so dark. I let go of the opening and fell several more feet to the ground below. I looked up at the rectangle of light above, waiting for my Shadow-Self to accompany me. He didn’t. He covered the opening with a piece of wood. The light was extinguished like a spent match. I could hear my Shadow-Self heaping shovels full of dirt against the opening. My eyes suddenly felt too large for my head. I waved my hand furiously in front of my face barely missing my nose. I could feel the moving air but otherwise, I was now blind. Darkness tightened around me like a Boa Constrictor.

“I’m going to die" was all I could think. It was impossible to search for a way out. The chamber was filled with junk. Every effort to move caused something heavy to fall. I found what felt like a table top or a desk. It was clear of debris, so I sat down. My heart pounded inside my chest like a drum. My lips and fingertips went numb from hyperventilating. "I'm going to die!"

I wondered how it would come. Would I die of thirst? Hunger? Was one better than the other? How long do these things take? "Oh my God! I'm going to die in here." It seemed as though I pondered my fate for a very long time. I struggled in my mind for a solution and groped the darkness for an answer. Several times I cried. I sobbed. Then I cursed for wasting water. Finally, I was quiet and so began the long process of waiting for death. I don't know how much time passed. At some point, I stopped fighting in my mind. I accepted my death . . . and I surrendered.

[Surrender is a glorious feeling. I learn this over and over again in both my wakeful life and in my dreams. Surrender is the moment when suddenly, you can breathe under water, you can fly without falling, and the crushing press of darkness is unveiled by a torch on the horizon. And so it was in my dream.]

Almost instantly, a tiny dot of light appeared far off and away. The dot offered no illumination, it just was . . . there . . . hovering. Less than the head of a pin if that's possible. I'm on my feet and moving towards it. For all I know, its a hundred miles away. As I approach, it grows larger. Still not giving off any light, just shining in and of itself. Finally I am at its source. Its just higher than my head and in front of me. I swipe at it with my hand, which connects with debris knocking it aside. More light appears. My heart is pounding again! I do it again and again, until I've cleared an area roughtly the same size as the hole I used to enter this place. The junk I've been moving was simply blocking the light, which apparently was always there. Light is flooding into the room like air. The hole is clear and I can get out if I can reach it.

Suddenly a small boy's face appears in the window. He reaches his hand in to me and effortlessly pulls me through the opening. We're standing together now in an ancient city. I don't recognize this place but I'm struck with the feeling that this place is holy. We walk through the city and come to a door that's ajar. He pushes it open and invites me in. The room is dimly lit by several candles and a small fire in an arched hearth. A family I do not know is taking a meal together at a plain wood table. A place is set for me and I join them. The dream ends.