Sunday, October 29, 2006

The consequence of unfinished business

I feel pregnant with ideas and I must write about them. My awakening to consciousness is bringing so much light into my life – but with light comes heat. And too much heat is no good. I need an outlet to express my newfound passion. I’m on fire with love and compassion – a fire which does not consume but rather motivates. I want to fill my hiking pack with paper and pens and climb a secluded hill and look out over life and capture it’s reflections in ink.

But not today. There’s too much work to do. I hear you! Work can wait, it will still be there, but perhaps your passion may be fleeting! But then therein lies the dilemma. If I set work aside to write, there is a cost – the consequence of unfinished business. And when I do write, knowing that it is not leisurely creates tremendous pressure – so little time, your words must be perfect – Hurry! I rush my thoughts onto the paper and take no pleasure in what’s written. Of course it is not good. What did you expect?

I dream of a day when I'll wake up, alone. A writing desk in the corner. Paper. Pens. Time. Solitude. Amen - my prayer for today.

5 comments:

Natalie said...

You know you really move me Dennis with your openness. You say that you are overwhelmed by love and compassion... how beautiful is that? And i relate so strongly to the notion that there just isn't enough time to write as you would like. There's always unfinsihed business. I wonder if that will ever change, for me at least. If it's any consolation, you write succintly and fluently, and your blog is always a pleasure to read. I'm afraid to say that i always opt for work not completed and write instead, unless under threat of death, anyway.

Dennis said...

Natalie - Thank you for your kind words and for visiting. I find that my writing is a struggle when I speak with anything other than my true voice. When I hand the pen to my truth, amazing things happen! It’s usually the lack of courage to speak my truth that defeats me. But ah, when the courage is there . . .

My therapist believes I’m beginning something new in my awakening and is encouraging me to write as much as I’ll allow myself. As a recovered addict, I always am afraid to indulge in anything that gives me tremendous pleasure. It is so easy to rouse the demons. I find that as I’ve been writing quite a bit lately (I don’t post all my writing here), I’m aware of ghosts, and the sound hands make when rubbed together in anticipation of something satisfying yet to come. So not only do I struggle with the outward limitation of available time, I struggle with the inner limitation of my past. I’m very pleased that you are enjoying my posts!

R's Musings said...

Dennis, I think of life as a process, struggling with our pasts, letting them go, judgment by judgment, image by image. A push/pull period of growth and then an opening into a place of peace and acceptance. And then another cycle of growth...on and on, and on. And hopefully we become a little wiser, a little stronger, with each cycle.

Dennis said...

Robin - my therapist says "Sadder but wiser!" That's my mantra. And you're correct that life is a process of cycles. I couldn't agree more. The curious part is that we don't receive the perspective of hindsight and wisdom until we finish going through whatever we're going through. And right now I'm in the middle of something (again!) I abused drugs and alcohol many years ago. I've been clean and sober for a good while now - fully employed and a productive member of society. But my demons are tricky fellows with a mission. Sometimes when they find me and get too close, the long shadows they cast block the Sun. I seem to be in that shadowy place right now. But change is coming.

R's Musings said...

Just keep believing in yourself, that you're worth the change you seek, because that's the truth, no matter what those 'demons' want you to believe!