An Open Letter To God . . .

Dear God:

I know you love me very much. If you didn’t there’s no way my life would have turned out the way it did. Remember when I got my driver’s license, and to celebrate I went out with three of my craziest friends, and we all got drunk as hell? Remember? I decided to try to drive home and got pulled over by a State Trooper? Two of my friends were passed out in the back seat and I was driving the wrong direction. The car reeked of booze. The Trooper looked at my license and told me my house was the other direction. He wished me a happy birthday and got me turned around the right way. Remember? No ticket, no arrest! I’m sure you were there with me that night. There’s just no other explanation.

Remember how you always made sure things worked out for me when I got in trouble with girls, or with school, or bullies? You were there all of those times too, I just know it. There’s just no other explanation.

Remember the time I went to that club where the girls danced naked on little stages, and I was so drunk the bartender took away my keys? The girls took my wallet right out of my pocket and helped themselves. The bouncer threw me out onto the parking lot and punched me. That was the time I woke up sitting next to my truck in the parking lot of the club. My eye was swollen and some jerk had put a Big-Mac on my head while I was passed out. Hours later I went back into the club and told the bartender I was ok and wanted my keys and he gave them to me. Remember? And then while I was driving home I fell asleep. I was on I-95 doing about seventy. My truck hit a concrete barrier on the right side of the road and the front end popped way up into the air like I was doing a wheelie! Remember? I fucked up my truck real bad, but I didn’t lose control and wreck it. And the most amazing this was that I cut my tire so badly it should have popped then and there, but you kept the air inside of it until I got not just home, but to work the next day. The air was out of it when I got off work, but that was ok, because I was able to blame someone else for hitting my truck in the parking lot. I got away with that too. Remember? You had a major hand in that. There’s just no other explanation.

I know you remember this. When I was in rehab, they told me that if I didn’t believe in you and accept that you existed, I was doomed to addiction for life. And you fucking know what I told those bastards? Not only did I tell them to go fuck themselves, I took a sheet off of my bed and took it with me into a stairwell. I climbed all the way to the top, crying all the way, because I couldn't get myself to be ok with the possibility of you. At the top of the stairs was an iron horizontal bar about 7 feet off the ground. It was PERFECT! I tied the sheet around the bar and made sure it was strong and wasn’t going to pull free. Then I tied the sheet around my neck. Remember? But you made the nurse make a mistake that night, didn’t you? You made the nurse give me TWO thorazine instead of one. She NEVER gave me two before that night. And when they kicked in, it was like getting hit with concrete and being filled up with lead. They found me at the bottom of the stairs unconscious with the sheet tight around my neck. It had come completely untied from the bar. I’m telling you, it was tight right before I put the sheet around my fucking neck and you know it was! Don’t even tell me you had nothing to do with that because it’s bullshit. You did that. You did that to me. There’s just no other explanation.

But that was then. That was before I loved you. That was before I opened my heart to love and forgiveness. That was when I needed proof, even though I wasn’t asking for any. That was before I found myself. And since then, you’ve given me more and more and more. More of everything I could ever ask for in spite of the fact that I rarely ask for anything. And when I do ask, what do I ask for? What do I ask for?! Just your help and never more than I need. I never ask to win the lottery and I never ask you to make sports teams win. I never ask you to heal anyone or keep people alive. I just ask you now and then to give me strength - to help me get through things that I’m willing to do myself. I just ask, now and then, if I can hold onto your sleeve. Sometimes I ask you to hold my hand. I never ask you to carry me.

Anyway, I thought I’d ask you for some real help today. I’m in trouble God. I’m in trouble at work. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I’m gagging. I’m choking to death God, and if I don’t find a way out of this mess quickly, I’m going to lose everything I’ve ever worked for. I want to do like I’ve done before and just give it all to you. That’s always worked and you’ve never let me down. But this time it feels like I’m asking for too much, even for you. Or perhaps I’m asking for more than anyone should be entitled to ask for. Either way, I feel like I’m fucked. Help me God. Please help me. I’m drowning in work. I’m tired. You’re the only one who can help. And there’s just no other answer.