Saturday, June 30, 2007

Not Gay 2.0

My good pal Melissa left a comment on my last post "Reveal Eight Things About Yourself" that got me thinking. I had listed a same-sex tongue-touching incident (at age 5) along with my burning desire to own a pair of clogs as two of my secrets. Predictably, M laughed at me and jokingly questioned my sexuality with five conspicuously placed question marks. So I wrote this letter to her and found it appropriately revealing and deserving of its own post. So enjoy.

Dear M:

You really made me laugh when I read that. So is that it then? If you participate in some age-appropriate same-sex-play (like age 5) and then decide around age 40ish that you want a pair of clogs, that its time to get “honest” with yourself about your “true” sexuality?

You know what’s really funny? After I thought about your comment, I really had to stop and think about it. And then I found myself saying, hmmm, it’s nice that they have a way to test your blood type so they can know definitively whether you’re A+ or B+. But there’s no blood test for sexuality. OH! But if there was!!! How fun would that be? Especially if you could sneak up on people and take a sample? Anyway, I digress.

Ok. What’s impossible for you to know is that before starting this paragraph I stared at the page for 20 minutes thinking to myself, SHIT! How do you tell someone who is gay that you’re not gay without sounding like an ass and at the same time not sounding like you’re trying to deny (too strongly) that you are!

(Giving it a whirl) – I’m not gay. The thought of sex between men repulses me. The men don’t repulse me, but what they do does. However, I find the thought of two men loving and caring for each other beautiful. In fact any two people who love each other is a beautiful thing in my mind – how can it be anything but? I just try not to picture what men who are in love with each other do. BLEH! (My secret truth is that I don't know how ANY woman can like being with a man, which in some ways makes being a lesbian the only sane choice!!!! So help me god I believe that!!!)

I can’t help but be pro-gay. I’ve had (and lost) too many family members who were gay not to be of that mind. I think my problem is not that I’m gay, but that I’m a friggen momma’s boy. Growing up I did everything possible to avoid my dad. I refused to play sports that he liked (which was most of them) and took shelter under my mom’s wing. I think that I lost out on the effects of being around his “testosterone” during my formative years. Instead, I learned to cook and sew (yes I sew awesome!) and to love and to tell stories and be creative (all from my mom) all the while avoiding boy things. I didn’t like to get sweaty or risk skinning my knees and was afraid of heights. So basically, I was a big sissy growing up. I also wasn’t allowed to fight (dad’s rule) so that meant weekly beatings at school because I was the resident six-foot tall jewish punching bag that wouldn’t fight back. I think I spent more time lying on the playground than walking on it.

So all through school, I was this very tall jewish friendless guitar-playing computer-programming self-loathing dork. By the way, I’m none of those things anymore (except tall).

So, I’m sure I’m not gay, but I do favor the feminine side of things. I love to shop and love watching cooking shows. Anything creative or artistic inspires me. I love classical music and animals and a hike in the woods brings me so close.

Now if I can just get my hands on a friggen pair of clogs I’ll be all set!!! Every time I try on a pair in the shoe store, my wife wrinkles up her nose and says, “The bag AND the clogs? I don’t think so.” My two daughters just scream, “NO DAD! Not again!!!” The other problem is, I’ve reached a height of six-foot-two-and-a-half. Do you have any idea how large a pair of clogs are for a guy that size? Any shoe over a size 10 ½ looks like a boat to me. I wear size 12s. I put on a pair of clogs, look down and think “ridiculous”.

But I want them still! And Augustan Burroughs would be proud of me! (I wrote him a letter after I read his books and he wrote me back! No. I don’t keep his letter under my pillow. That would be gay!)



Robin said...

Dennis, you are sooo funny! (And not gay!) lol It's very cool to be in touch with your feminine side. When I was a child, my favorite toy was playing in the dirt with my Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars...does that make me gay? I also had a race track and absolutely LOVED my Atari 2600! I could beat anyone who attempted to play against me! Of course, I also played w/Barbies and took dance lessons and gymnastics, too...okay, enough about me. :) Anyway, thanks for the smile on my face! I know what you mean about being busy, busy, busy, but I'm so glad to stop by and see that you've written a new post!

Dennis said...

Hi Robin! Thanks for stopping by and for laughing along with me and sharing your memories. It's fun to write about stuff like that. I can't wait until I find the time to write again. We've been hiring people like crazy, so hopefully things will start to turn around. Meanwhile, it's Sunday morning and alas, I'm at work . . .

Kae-Lyne said...

It's so good to read some of your writings again. And boy didn't I laugh. Thank you!

PS: Hiring staff? Sounds like you're doing very well.


Poet with a Day Job said...

I'm still laughing because I know you're not gay. That's why I keep making jokes to you that you are! If you really were gay, and were in the closet, it wouldn't be funny at all.

Anyway, regarding those clogs: you can get a pair of the Dansko ones - chefs use them all the time and I know there are some 6-foot plus chefs out there...

Rethabile said...

Got a job for me?

Hey, I'm not gay, either. But I'm also not catholic, Caucasian, or a pygmy, so what? It all matters not, isn't that so?

I never touched tongues, but I dressed in my sisters' clothing many-a-times. It was fun and it helped me get an experience that I wanted to get at that time.

Good to see you back.

Dennis said...

Rethabile - I can proudly say I've never worn womans clothing!! But thanks for sharing that. It's good to know that we've all had funny experiences like that. And I agree. It doesn't matter at all that you're not a pygmy! We're pals just the same. Take care.

Kae - We're getting there staff-wise. It's just going to take time, but we're definitely making progress. Thanks.

M- I sort of figured you were kidding me. But honestly, my first thought was OMG! What if she knows something that I don't!!!! I mean she KNOWS about this stuff. That's why I had to give it a good thinking. You're the best, pal.

I'm getting those clogs . . .

Kae-Lyne said...

I have to laugh every time I check to see if you have honored us with more beautiful words and sentences. When the pic on your blog of the pink tall phallus-like thing pops up I imagine my sis-in-law thinking "What the ...?" It's an odd picture and rather challenging to explain. Especially when that person is a total noob/newbie. Kae

PS: Please don't suggest RSS Feeds? It takes far too long to update.

Dennis said...

Kae - I thought the pink phallus looking picture was a perfect match for my story. I also love the picture I posted with the first "Not Gay" story I posted back in April or May. I love poking fun at myself. It's one of my favorite pass times. I'm glad you're being entertained regularly!!