Visions of Sugar Plums

At the firm's Christmas party last night, I . . .

1. Got there FIRST and was overheard saying to the Hostess, "No! I'm not this evening's entertainment . . . well not yet anyway."

2. Had nothing alcoholic to drink.

3. Stepped in a huge pile of mashed potatoes that fell off someone’s plate near the mashed potato bar (YUCK!)

4. Looked down a hot waitresses’ blouse as she scraped mashed potatoes off the floor with a butter knife.

5. Answered a phone call on my cell phone from a woman who was given my number by an associate of mine who had previously ditched the woman at the pre-Christmas party party, by giving her MY name and MY cell phone number. (Thanks Mark you dick!)

6. Ate the best piece of carrot cake I’ve ever had (my favorite).

7. Watched a 6’2” tall gorgeous blond haired Russian girl eat 7 chocolate covered strawberries and got caught staring at her several times.

8. Got hugged three times by a drunk law clerk who I’m going to enjoy firing on Monday.

9. Got kissed by an absolutely beautiful woman who’s name I couldn’t remember for the life of me and spent several uncomfortable minutes chatting with her while ransacking my brain for her name.

10. Spent most of the evening trying to avoid the company of a particular female co-worker who apparently decided that I was the entire dessert menu. (She also called me first thing this morning to “thank” me for a wonderful evening and wanted to know why it seemed to her that I was trying to avoid her at the party. – Huh? What are you talking about?)

11. Watched my 70 year old secretary of 17 years get so drunk (AGAIN) that she should have died of alcohol poisoning (her breath singed off my eyebrows). Unfortunately, I was her ride home, which could be an entire blog entry of its own.

12. Wrestled a Poinsettia away from my secretary because she decided that it, and the pot of dirt it was planted in, needed to come home with her, and there was no fucking way I was letting that drunk woman sit in my Infiniti G35 with a pot of dirt! She was shrieking like an 8 year old girl, “NO! It’s Mine!!! Gimme Thaaat!”

13. Won a hundred dollar bet that my secretary would grab one of my partner’s wieners before the night was over.

14. Got unexpectedly kissed on the lips by an ugly-drunk-off-her-ass-merry-Christmas-wishing-female-associate, and had to pull back very quickly when I started to feel tongue. (Whoa!)

15. Was called a useless-no-good-mother-fucking-worthless-attorney by a particular B-partner who was so drunk he sat down at the wrong table and started eating someone else’s dinner (which was already partially eaten. YUCK!!)

16. Was accosted by the partner from whom I won the hundred bucks, when he later realized that he actually lost the hundred bucks and tried to convince me that “we were just kidding around!” We got into a shoving match, which I won by simply stepping aside when he lunged at me. He was totally trashed and see number 2 above. The partners got together and voted on whether or not I should give back the money. It was unanimously agreed that the drunk partner was an asshole. (I still have the money).

17. Walked into the men’s room to go potty and saw two sets of shoes inside one of the stalls with the door closed. One pair had pants bunched up on top of the shoes and the other pair was accompanied by a nice pair of stockings, which were in a squatting sort of position. I took a good look at the female’s shoes, quickly left (without going potty) and spent the rest of the night trying to pick that pair of shoes out of the crowed.

18. Was spit on, in the course of conversation with drunk people, more fucking times than I care to remember. One time I was so grossed out I just grabbed a napkin out of the hand of the guy who spit on me and wiped my face AND neck, dropped it on the floor and walked away in a huff. You wouldn’t believe how many times I was spit on.

19. Walked up close behind the Russian girl and smelled her hair without her knowing. (Is that legal?)

20. Had a pretty darn good time in spite of it all.

So how was YOUR party?